Motherhood: A Paradox



I always wanted to be a mother. I'd dreamed about it from my earliest years. At 30 years old, my dream came true. It was simultaneously everything I'd hoped for and nothing like I'd imagined. The very thing I'd wanted and dreamed of my entire life was slowly killing me. Amidst the highs and joys that came with the sacred responsibility of raising precious human beings, I was losing my own soul. Postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD partnered up with anger, rage, sleep deprivation, perfectionism, binary thinking, and religious trauma to suck the very life out of me until I no longer wanted to exist.

To be clear, I loved my children with every fiber of my soul. They have brought me joy the likes of which nothing else ever has. I simply had no idea how unprepared I was, how cruel the world was to mothers, and how impossible it would be to raise them the way I knew I wanted to.

The following words were written by an author from Womb Circle. I wept when I read them. My children are grown now, but these words took me right back to when they were little. They resonated with me in a way that made me feel connected to every other mother in the world who struggles. If you relate to these words, please know that you are seen. You're allowed to love your children AND hate the day-to-day drudge. You can feel grateful and blessed and angry and numb and joyful and disappointed... simultaneously. Truly, I see you.

Some Thoughts on Mother's Day

IG: @womb_circle

We used to take for granted

that Mother's Day was a

nice day to celebrate our

moms.

But now everyone says now

it is a hard day for many, if

not most.

Motherhood broke me.

Can I love my children

more than anything I've

ever loved and be so deeply

burdened by my role in

their lives?

I honestly don't know.

I feel so lost in it, all the

sandwich making and